from multiply: #26

Sep 3, '07 10:28 AM
for everyone

Dear Nikki,
I'm no writer and I'm not a poet either, not even close. I have neither the gift of gab, the skill nor the eloquence to convey what is in my heart. But I try my hardest, always. It's just so hard to think and write about it when all you can really do is feel.

That's why this took me days to finish ... way past your birthday. This task of finishing your letter is too great. More often than not, my feelings overpower me. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week or the week after. Maybe next time, the words would come to me, but for now, this is what I can tell you and I hope it will be enough. And that you'll know deep within your heart how much you're loved.

A few days ago you turned one. ONE. That number is enough to make my head spin at all the things that have happened in the past 365 days. It seemed like a dream, felt like yesterday that I went into labor. You were all I thought about for the nine months I had you growing inside me. Every night, every day. I talked to you, I wrote to you, I read to you, I sang to you the best I could. I dreamed of you. Then there you were, Nikki, warm, wrinkled and crying and baby new. And breathing, breathing all on your own. A bundle of pure heaven. You were mine, ours, my own. I remember the moment I laid eyes on you, I was in love. And when I held you in my arms, it was magical. Nothing in this life has ever compared to that moment. You were a mysterious pleasant surprise who grew more and more enchanting over time. I get to open you every day and always I am amazed by your unfolding like a person ... your gentleness, your sense of humor, your sweetness, your fierce, stubborn determination and your trust. Ah, your trust. It had been there when the nurse handed you to me. You looked at me as if to say, "qua?" and then you relaxed, gave in and got comfortable. Just as I did, to the little brown eyed girl that was staring right back at me.

I love watching you grow up everyday ... and learn from the world around you. I love holding you snug against me when we read Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See for the 58th time, I love hearing you say, "ha?" "ha?" or shriek even if it numbs my eardrums for awhile, I love the way your little hands touch my face, I love the way your bottom looks as you crawl away from me and the smile on your face as you hurl yourself back into my arms.

As I close my eyes, I try to see you as a one year old. I see your 8 pearly whites and the hair that's getting quite long, enough to be pulled into a ponytail. I see your big, bright, curious brown eyes behind those eyelashes I so envy. I you sitting up in the morning, patting my belly, patiently waiting on me to get up. I see your face covered with spaghetti. or jell-o. or jarred baby food. or some cheerios goo. I see you waving at the kid or that old lady at church. I see you throwing a smile at the cashier at Ralph's. I see you giggling & laughing at the entry system at the lobby, an inside joke between you and the building phone. I see you holding something to your ear and talk like your on the phone. I see you shrieking and jumping whenever Daddy walks through the door. I see you laying your head on my chest or belly when the fatigue is too much to fight.

And I see myself, kissing your head and inhaling you, and hugging you so tight, wanting so bad to remember the warmth, the smell, the feeling.

And always I see you smiling back at me.

I see these images and try to lock them in into my memory. There's so many of them that I feel so old already. Old but definitely happy.

I cannot think of anything better to celebrate than your birth, nikki. I've always known that i wanted to be a mother. And with your birth came the unexpected joy and fulfillment that I'd longed for all that time. You were my wish come true. And I cannot imagine my life without you in it. You have brought us true unequalled happiness, your father and i, and a strange disrupted peace that i would choose all over the free time in the world.

I love you more than I can express and I wish you a lifetime of happy birthdays, my love!

Love always and forever,
Mommy

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theresehabana wrote on Sep 6, '07

hay kalami! murag gikumot akong dughan gabasa... inday nikki, ayaw biya pabadlong.. pabasahon gyud ka ani inig dako nimo everytime you make your mommy cry. deal?! ;-)

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lmariano wrote on Sep 7, '07

nice kaayo yen. i must admit, nihuot akong dughan. too many emotions. di eloquent? kinsay ingon? YOU ARE. you'll always be the writer . after all, thats how i first met you.

you write from the heart and your heart is good.

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theresehabana wrote on Sep 7, '07

bitaw i agree, unsa lang kaha ang eloquent niya!